Blind Memory: Might Have Beens
by misslucy21
Summary: Outtakes of sorts from the story Blind Memory
1. Chapter 1

Blind Memory: Might Have Been

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AN: These are little vignettes, that started out as being part of "Blind Memory" back in 2004, but that for various reasons I didn't wind up using in the final draft of the story (one of the major reasons being that I had originally thought the story would be from multiple viewpoints, but finally decided that it really needed to be from Tim's POV). But I really kind of like them, in and of themselves, and I figured that some of you might like them as well, so as a little holiday thing, I figured I'd post them as sort of outtakes from the original story. 

I own nothing you recognize, of course.

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_This scene would have taken place shortly after Chapter 4. I ultimately decided that Tim had more than enough to deal with without introducing old flames to the picture...

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_  
Speed sat down on the curb a bit away from the building. It was just past sunset and the warm breeze felt good, since he was freezing from having spent the whole day in the arctic temperatures of the lab. He sighed as he rested his head on his knees and closed his eyes.

"It can't be as bad as all that." He heard a familiar voice tinged with amusement and raised his head to find a woman standing in front of him.

"What in the hell are you doing here?" he asked, after a long moment. He hadn't seen her in at least five years.

"I'm back," she said, simply, sitting down next to him.

"They let you come back?" he asked, incredulously.

"Actually, I was asked to come back, believe it or not," she said, with a bit of a smile. The same bit of a smile that she used to have when she used to wake him up in the morning.

"Mmm," he said, trying not to react.

"So, how've you been, Tim?" she asked.

"I'm fine," he said, shortly.

"Of course you are," she said, nodding. She pulled a pack of cigarettes out of her pocket and tapped one out. "Want one?" she asked.

"No," he replied. "I quit."

"You did? When?" she asked, with some surprise.

"About 7 years ago," he said, dryly.

"Huh. For real?" she asked.

"Yeah," he nodded.

"How did I not know that?" she asked. "We were still together 7 years ago."

"You'd gone to night shift," he said, with a calmness he really didn't feel.

"Huh. I never noticed," she said, frowning.

"There were a lot of things you stopped noticing," he said quietly.

She was quiet, taking long drags off of her cigarette. "You're right. I'm sorry."

He shrugged. "Doesn't matter."

"It did at the time," she said. "Didn't it?"

He didn't reply, just rested his chin on his knees.

"Timothy Daniel Speedle," she sighed.

"Bridget Marie Mueller," he shot back, defensively. He'd never really liked it when she used his full name.

She smirked, but regarded him seriously for a long moment. "You're not sleeping, are you?" she asked, finally.

"I'm fine," he replied.

"You're not," she said. "You're not sleeping, Tim. I know how you look when you're exhausted."

"I know," he said, with a sigh.

"You should do something about it, you know," she said.

"You," he said, slowly, "gave up the right to say those sorts of things."

"Tim…" she said.

"No, Bridget. You left. You don't get to tell me how to live my life anymore," he said, flatly.

"I didn't stop caring just because I left, you know" she said.

"Yeah, well, you sure didn't show it," he retorted. "I've been just fine these past five and a half years without you, you know."

"Right. If you're so fine, then why are you still alone?" she asked.

"Maybe I _want_ to be alone," he said, tightening his grip around his knees.

"You don't want to be alone. You never wanted to be alone," she said, softly.

He didn't answer. She was the first girl he'd ever loved, and the only thing that had ever even come close to covering up the hole in his heart. "You shouldn't have done the things you did," he said, finally.

"Probably not," she agreed. "But I can apologize."

"I don't want your apology," he said. He didn't. He really didn't want anything to do with her. It hurt too much, especially coming on top of everything else.

"Tim…" she sighed. "Why do you have to be so damn stubborn?" He shrugged. "You gotta trust someone sometime, you know."

That was the last straw. _She_ had betrayed _him_. _She_ had left him. _She_ had been the one to break trust. He climbed to his feet. "I got work to do," he said, turning around and heading for the building.

"Tim, wait," she called after him.

He didn't turn back.


	2. Chapter 2

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AN: Again, these are outtakes, if you will, from "Blind Memory"

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_This would probably have been sometime after the previous scene, and would have taken the place of chapters 5-8, but since I decided not to introduce Bridget, Eric decided he should be involved earlier in the game than he otherwise would have been and take Speed home...

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_

Horatio sighed as he leaned on the doorway to the lounge. He had hoped not to find Speed's compact body curled up on the couch around his jacket, but wasn't terribly surprised to see it, either.

"Horatio," a quiet voice came from behind him.

He turned and greeted the night shift lieutenant. "How are you, Manny?"

Manny Perez smiled a little bit. "I'm all right, yourself?"

"Can't complain," he said, with a little shrug.

"Listen, don't give your boy too hard of a time, all right?" Manny said, nodding towards the lounge. "I asked him to help me out a little bit tonight. He was doing paperwork and we were swamped, so I asked him to walk my rookie through doing a scene, since I had to take another one. So it's my fault. I told him to go home and I'd let you know what happened, but he said he'd just take a nap and be fine."

"No, it's not your fault," Horatio said, with a tight smile. "I suppose he didn't tell you he'd already worked a double, did he?"

Manny frowned. "No. He didn't."

"Of course not," Horatio sighed. "And of course he wouldn't say no to you. He thinks he owes you."

"He doesn't, not really," Manny argued.

"You know that and I know that. Speed, however, doesn't see it that way. You gave him chances that almost nobody else would have," Horatio replied.

"Megan gave him more," Manny pointed out.

"Megan isn't here," Horatio said, shrugging.

"I know," Manny sighed. "Bridget Mueller is, though," he added.

"I'd heard that," Horatio nodded.

"I wonder if anyone's told him yet," Manny said.

"I doubt it. I haven't, anyway, and I don't think most people would either know she's back or know why it would be important," Horatio said.

"Probably better to not interfere, and let him find out for himself," Manny said. "But I'd hate for him to be ambushed."

"I know," Horatio sighed.

"Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I'd borrowed him last night and that was why he was here overnight," Manny said. "You have a good day."

"Thanks, Manny. You have a good one, yourself," Horatio said. He turned back towards the doorway and sighed again. Bridget Mueller was not a complication Speed needed right now. He had enough on his plate.

Horatio walked across the room and sat down on the coffee table in front of the couch to regard his sleeping Trace expert. "Speed," he said quietly. There was no response. "Speed, come on, wake up," he said, a bit louder.

"Mmph," Speed grumbled.

"Come on, Speed. Time to get up," Horatio said, reaching out to poke Speed in the shoulder.

"H?" Speed asked sleepily, his eyes cracking open.

"Yup," Horatio said.

"Oh, hell," Speed, mumbled, flinging his arm over his face. "I meant to get up before you got here," came the muffled explanation.

"Too late," Horatio replied. "You do have a bed, right? In an apartment where you pay rent?"

"It's a house, not an apartment. And I have a _mortgage_. I'm a grownup, I don't pay rent," Speed said, grouchily.

"Speed, I've got to tell you, grownups don't need to be told when to go home and go to sleep," Horatio pointed out with a bit of a smirk. He was somewhat concerned, though. Speed didn't generally divulge personal details unless he was really exhausted.

"Mmm," Speed replied. He scrubbed his hands over his face. "What time is it, anyway?"

"6 AM," Horatio answered. "When did you lie down?"

"Dunno. 4, maybe? I was helping Manny out," he said.

"I know. But you shouldn't have been here still in the first place," Horatio sighed.

"It was just paperwork. I wasn't doing real work," he protested.

"But you were the night before, Speed. You've been here for at least 24 hours. It was time to go _home_," Horatio said, with some exasperation. Speed shrugged, but didn't say anything. "Come on, get up," he said after a moment. "I'm taking you home."

"What? Why?" Speed asked, confused. "I've got a shift today."

"Not anymore," Horatio said. "You've got the leave time."

"But, H, I'm good. I slept," he protested.

"For two hours. In the last twenty four. You're not good, Tim. You're going home," Horatio replied in a tone that brooked no argument. "Come on, get up."

Speed sighed, but dragged himself to his feet, where he swayed tiredly. "All right," he conceded.

"Good," Horatio said, standing up and herding him out the door.

The drive to Speed's house was without conversation, with occasional directions from the passenger seat punctuating the silence. Horatio pulled into the driveway of the small ranch house and looked at his passenger. "This is home?"

"Yeah. It's home," Speed looked at his house with a mixture of exhaustion and a little bit of pride.

"All right then, let's get you inside," Horatio said, getting out of the car.

"H, I'm good. You don't have to stay or anything," Speed said, leading Horatio up the walkway to the front porch.

"I want to make sure you eat something and get to bed," Horatio said.

"What, you don't trust me?" Speed asked, opening his front door.

"Not particularly, no," Horatio said, following him inside the house.

"Humph," Speed said, bending down to intercept a cat that was trying to make a break for the front door. "Oh, no you don't, missy," he said. "Go chase your brother or something."

"Nice cat," Horatio commented.

"She likes to be a little escape artist," Speed explained, yawning. He wandered down the short hallway to the back of the house and the kitchen. Horatio followed and watched Speed slump into a kitchen chair and stare glazedly at the table.

"You should eat something," he said.

"Probably," Speed said, glancing up.

"Want me to fix you something?" Horatio asked.

"I can do it," Speed insisted.

"I'm sure you could, if you weren't about to pass out. What do you have? Eggs, toast?" Horatio asked.

"There's probably eggs," Speed conceded.

"All right, then," Horatio said. "Scrambled or fried? They're the only ways I know how to make them."

"Scrambled," Tim sighed, leaning his elbows on the table and his forehead on his hands.

"Where do you keep the skillet?" Horatio asked, as he walked into the kitchen area.

"Cupboard by the stove," Speed replied.

"Got it," Horatio said. He found the skillet and put it on the stove, then turned to the refrigerator to get the eggs. He stopped when he saw the photographs. There was one fairly recent photo of Eric, Calleigh and Speed that he thought must have been taken at the department picnic. Another of Alexx and her kids at what looked like a baseball game. One of Megan and her late husband that appeared to be several years old. One of a couple with a teenage boy that Horatio assumed was Tim's family. And then a much older photograph of a dark haired woman holding a small equally dark haired boy in a park. It was the last photograph that really caught Horatio's attention. The woman was smiling happily at first glance, but there was some odd tension in her face when Horatio looked closer. The boy was solemn and wide eyed, and seemed somewhat uncomfortable, either with the woman holding him or with having his photo taken. "Is this you?" Horatio asked, indicating the photograph.

"Hmm?" Speed asked, looking up. His face tightened when he saw which photograph Horatio was pointing at. "Yeah. That's me."

"How old were you?" Horatio asked.

"About four," he replied.

"Is that your mother?"

Speed hesitated, but said, "Yeah. That's my mother. She'd just graduated from CCNY."

"City College of New York?" Horatio asked. Tim nodded. "That's a hard road, to go to school with a little one," he commented.

"It's significantly easier when the kid doesn't live with you," Tim replied, with an odd note to his voice.

"I'm sorry?" Horatio asked, looking over at him.

"She and my dad got divorced when I was about six months old. I lived with my dad," Speed said, slowly.

"Oh," Horatio said. "That's your dad, then, and your stepmother, I presume?" he said after a moment, indicating the photograph of the couple with the teenager.

"She's my mom, I don't call her my stepmom, but yes," Tim said. "She's the one who raised me."

"I see. I'm sorry, I didn't know."

"No reason you should have," Speed shrugged. "It doesn't matter."

Horatio didn't reply, but he thought that it obviously did matter to some extent. When Speed didn't seem interested in expanding on the conversation, he opened the refrigerator and retrieved the eggs.

He placed the plate of scrambled eggs along with some juice he'd found in the refrigerator in front of Speed a few minutes later. "Here, eat."

Speed picked up the fork and obediently took a bite as Horatio sat down across from him. "Look, I'm sorry I was abrupt," he said, after a moment.

"About your family?" Horatio asked.

"Yeah," Speed said.

"It's all right," Horatio shrugged. "You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to."

"It's just that it's complicated. And we haven't always gotten along," he explained.

"I'd guessed as much," Horatio said.

Speed nodded and finished the eggs. "Thanks for this," he said.

"You're welcome," Horatio replied. "You're going to get some sleep now, right?"

"Yeah," Speed sighed. "I am."

"All right then. I will see you tomorrow, ok?" Horatio said.

"Yeah. Thanks, H," he yawned.

"No problem. Get some rest," Horatio said. "I'll let myself out."

"Ok," Speed said, sleepily.

Horatio smiled a little as he closed the front door behind him and got in the truck. Getting Speed to sleep was not an easy task. He was glad that Speed hadn't decided to really fight him on it. It might be slightly worrisome, but it did definitely make life easier.


	3. Chapter 3

AN: And one last little bit of the story. This one never really made it past a glimpse of a scene

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_This would have taken place probably on Friday, which you may remember was the day that Speed wisely decided not to go into work. In this version, Tim and Horatio never had their conversation about Tim's behavior, and therefore, Calleigh wasn't there to ask Tim if he was really up to working and nudge him into staying home. So, Tim unwisely goes into work, despite the fact that he's falling apart at the seams. This would have been the point where Eric would have gotten involved in the story, as well, instead of having been more involved from nearly the beginning.

* * *

_Eric walked into the trace lab and found Speed sitting with his head resting in his hands. "Speed? You ok, man?" Tim had been having a bad week, Eric knew. Between the case, and something else he refused to tell anyone about, it was clear that Speed was having issues. He reached out to touch his friend's shoulder in concern. 

"Don't! Don't touch me!" Speed jerked back from Erik's hand.

"Ok, man, I won't touch you," Erik replied in what he hoped was a soothing tone. "It's ok." He watched Speed back away until his back was against the counter of the lab. Speed was shaking, now.

"I don't…I'm fine. Just, I'm fine, ok?" Speed's voice came in gasps, which was worrisome.

"You don't look so fine," Erik said, moving closer. "What's wrong?" He reached his hand out automatically to steady his friend.

"Don't! It hurts, don't touch me!" Speed was hyperventilating now.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Look, see, I'm not going to touch you, ok?" Erik said, putting his hands behind his back. "See, it's cool." Speed nodded at that. "Where does it hurt?" he asked. 'It hurts' being something Erik could deal with. He wasn't at all sure what to do.

Speed shook his head almost violently. "Leave me alone, won't you?"

Erik paused. He really wished Calleigh were there. He had a feeling that she'd know what to do much more than he did. All he knew was that it wouldn't be good for Horatio to see Speed like this. He'd about have to put him on leave if he saw him, and Erik knew enough about his friend to know that vacation wasn't a word in Speed's vocabulary. Hell, he'd gotten shot and kept working without taking a sick day so much as a sick half hour. And that was only because the paramedics had insisted on checking him out. "I don't think that's such a good idea", he said finally. "Look, let's get out of here, ok? I'll take you home or something."

Speed wrapped his arms around his middle and shook his head. "I don't want to go home. I want to go back to work."

"Speed…Tim. You're not ok. You look sick as hell. You're not going to be able to concentrate, and do you really want to run into H right now? He's liable to _make _you go home right now. And make you take time off. Come on now, let's just get out of here. If you calm down, I'll bring you back, but you don't need to be here right now," Erik said.

"Fine." The word was barely above a whisper, but Erik didn't care.

"Ok. Come on, then." He led Speed down the hall, hoping they wouldn't run into anyone. They made it outside without being stopped.


End file.
